The nuances and challenges of real life mean that orgies are nothing like porn.
For many, group sex is that area beyond the map: uncharted territory that could be anything from scary to appealing, depending on how you feel about the unknown and the risqué. And unfortunately, thanks to pornography and the typical lack of comprehensive reproductive health education, just as many people have unrealistic ideas about it.
Before setting off into the great unknown, it’s always prudent to learn as much as you can: not just for safety’s sake, but to manage expectations.
Fortunately, there was someone I could ask who knew that world inside out. Kida*, a friend I’ve known for a while, used to join orgies on a fairly regular basis. She started out as a participant who was happy to just go with the flow as someone’s plus one, then she began setting up her own gatherings after her original group fell out of the habit.
We had joked before about the idea of putting together a primer for group sex dynamics—because she and I are both compulsive project managers—but we never really found the time because of our hectic schedules. We knew it would take at least an entire evening, and definitely over drinks.
If group sex is something that you’ve always been curious about, either academically or as a potential participant, you’re in for a treat: we finally found the time.
It’s not like Pornhub
“A lot of people try orgies thinking that they’re going to really like it,” Kida says. “It’s a taboo thing, after all. Sex is sort of taboo, depending on where you are, and then you multiply that because you have so many partners in an orgy.”
That’s also on top of the fact that orgies have a lot of people naked together, some of whom may be the same sex as you, adding an extra twist of homosexuality.
“While these taboo aspects make orgies a fun idea for a lot of people, not everyone will actually enjoy it,” Kida points out. There’s a lot that people take for granted, especially if they’re coming from a relatively conservative or traditional context.
Ideally, people should stop romanticizing the idea of orgies because there are so many things that they should stop romanticizing about sex first. Just the basic idea of a threesome, for example, already has a bunch of assumptions that need to be cleared up.
“Let’s start with guys,” Kida says. “Guys with girlfriends tend to think that a threesome is going to be great, especially when they imagine having a threesome with another girl. But then they don’t realize that, if they force their girlfriend into it and it wasn’t her idea, she’s going to be jealous, and the guy’s going to be paying for that for months. Not every guy’s capable of making both partners in a threesome feel wanted and cared for.”
Women tend to have assumptions too. “A lot of girls really like the idea of the gangbang,” Kida notes, “heightened by the idea of being watched. But then they don’t realize that a gangbang literally, physically hurts. That’s because, regardless of how horny you are, sometimes you just have a hard time getting wet, be it because of dehydration or any number of reasons. That’s hard enough when you’re having slow sex; what more when, aside from having rough sex with someone, someone else is also pushing you, and his aim just isn’t that great?”
Even if a group of supermodels invited you to your very first orgy, it will probably be nowhere near as fun as you thought if you aren’t keenly aware of what it means to enjoy yourself properly. Enjoyment isn’t “automatic” like it is in porn.
Climaxing, for example, can be a very real issue.
“There are some people, it takes months or years to train themselves to be comfortable orgasming in front of someone,” Kida underscores. “Or to train their partner to get them to orgasm. I know people who, even when they’re masturbating, if their partner is in the same room, they can’t cum. What more if that person in front of you isn’t your partner?”
Sometimes people don’t even want to come to terms with having a hard time cumming, Kida adds. “Women are lucky because it’s easy to fake it. Although I’ve heard of men faking it. You just shake a little and then hold the condom and just run to the bathroom. And all that can happen even with just a couple. How much more with a bunch of other people?”
There’s also the matter of getting the right people together whom you would actually feel comfortable enough with to relax, which we’ll get to after we tackle another fundamental topic: logistics.
An orgy is still an event
Just like any group activity, orgies need to be planned and prepared for. Sure, you can try to wing it, but the chances of everyone having a good time drop significantly without mindful preparation.
Take, for example, having adequate protection.
“People tend to not think about how many condoms they’re going to need at an orgy,” Kida states. “And you can’t not have any. It’s the most basic requirement. Even if you and your partner have unprotected sex on your own—and that’s fine—in an orgy you’re going to be with other people. It’s not up for discussion.”
In Kida’s case, if she’s the one setting up the orgy, she likes being extremely organized about condom purchasing. “I have an Excel sheet that does the math for me. Let’s say you have five people: how many are guys, how many are girls? Assuming everyone sleeps with everyone, you can maybe add 30% or whatever safe estimate you might have. You also want variety, so if I end up needing, say, 48, I will buy four different boxes of 12. Fetherlite, ribbed, dotted, and so on. Everyone’s still welcome to bring their own, of course, but if I’m setting it up, I’ll take care of ordering it.”
Lubrication is also a critical consideration. “In general, a small bottle of lube for every woman who is there,” Kida says, “and for every man who is willing to do anal.”
As for the location, that depends on your head count. You can rent a motel room, for example, if you have a small group of around five people. Larger groups may need something more flexible, though, such as someone’s house. That comes with multiple advantages, such as a controlled environment that’s essentially free.
All that is relatively easy. Costs can be readily divided, and there’s never a shortage of venues since you can always crowdsource among yourselves about who might have good options. Food and drink are easily acquired too, if people are willing to order in or do potluck.
The most difficult part is: when will everyone be free?
“It’s kind of like a D&D campaign,” Kida laughs. “You know how hard it is for adults to set up a schedule for a gaming session? It’s exactly like that.”
Aside from locking down the date, there’s also the question of time. “There are a lot of morning people, an overwhelming majority of evening people, and a few afternoon people,” Kida says.
“Afternoon people always win, because no one wants to get up at 8am to have an orgy; sorry, morning people. Evening people, okay, if we start at 7, what time will we finish? People have lives. So, the afternoon is the best compromise. We have lunch together, chill out, start maybe at 2pm. Oh, and have coffee first so everyone’s awake.”
Chemistry is critical
Getting people together for group sex involves the same challenges that would apply for bringing gamers together. One thing that’s often overlooked in the same regard is: will everyone get along?
“Of course, you have to look for the people who are willing,” Kida says, since it may surprise you just how many open-minded, liberal people would draw the line at getting naked in front of more than one person. “Ideally, everyone’s bisexual too, but that’s highly unlikely. Hopefully everyone will find each other attractive, but that’s also highly unlikely.”
Starting the actual process isn’t easy, either. It’s always weird to think about the friends you’re somewhat close with as prospects for sex. And then you also wonder, are they bisexual? Would they be willing to sleep with your other friends?
“That’s a question that hurts to ask,” Kida admits. “Hey, Friend A, do you find my other friends, whom I find attractive, also attractive? That’s not an easy conversation to have, especially when you consider how you might feel if Friend A doesn’t like the others you do like. Watching your friends get rejected in absentia hurts, on top of whatever disappointment you may have.”
Eventually, as you do build a prospective group—probably over Facebook, Telegram, Viber, or some other convenient platform—that problem begins to scale, Kida says.
“Are you okay if two-thirds of you like a newly added person? Or does it have to be unanimous? It’ll get to the point where it’s never unanimous, especially when you’re hitting, 10, 11 people. But at that point you can also just tell the naysayers, hey, if you don’t like those people, you can just go to the other side of the orgy.”
Another wrinkle that might come up is: how many of you don’t know each other at all?
“It’s easy when you have just one person adding everyone; at least there’s only one point of reference,” Kida explains. “But when you’re the friend of a friend of a friend, your level of trust goes down. One of those links might not know that someone else in the group might be a bit crazy, or maybe has been secretly stalking someone in the group for years and is trying to join just to be a creep.”
Making the effort to build bridges and comfort among the potential participants is key, like through a pre-orgy meetup so everyone can get to know each other first. It is, after all, an entirely new dynamic that’s going to be explored.
Rules are there for a reason
Returning to the idea that group sex isn’t like porn and is more like most other real-world gatherings—just with lots more sex—it’s important to lay down some ground rules all throughout the process.
“The very first thing you must be strict about is that everyone must be willing to take STD tests before you start anything,” Kida asserts. “The last thing you want, let’s say everything goes south, is that you unexpectedly have the clap after a boring orgy.”
Humor aside, it’s 2019. It’s long past time to know enough about safe, responsible sex, especially if you’re entertaining the idea of it as a group activity.
Other rules may also apply depending on what’s comfortable for everyone involved.
“I try to keep alcohol and drugs out of the equation,” Kida maintains. “Maybe a little wine and beer, but not tequila or any other hard liquor. When you have a writhing pool of people enjoying themselves, you don’t want someone projectile vomiting onto them.”
A no-phones rule might be necessary on occasion: not so much for privacy’s sake—although a no-recording rule is also important—as it is to keep people from getting distracted. “You know how some people get distracted by their phones during a gaming session? Like that. You don’t want that,” Kida says.
In terms of physical intimacy, some people may only be okay with kissing or being kissed anywhere except the lips. Others may have positions or pairings they’re not keen with. The important thing is that everyone is clear about what is okay and what’s not okay, Kida emphasizes.
“You’re going to have to be tolerant of intolerance. Asking someone to join an orgy involves a lot of trust. Because there’s so much trust that you ask for, there must be a lot of openness, and you must also give that trust back. You’re all in a very vulnerable, open space where you have to be kinder than you’ve ever been, less judgmental than you’ve ever been.”
Conversely, though, you can’t neglect yourself. “In the same space, you have to be fairly selfish. Because you’re sharing your partner and you’re sharing yourself with so many people, your orgasm is your responsibility. There’s a trick to keeping the rules in mind, but also finding your pleasure as much as you can.”
And of course, there’s the golden rule that ties into informed consent: no one should ever be forced into doing something they’re not comfortable with. Always respect boundaries.
Human frailty might be a deal-breaker
Speaking of sharing yourself and your partner, it’s time to address the touchiest subject about participating in group sex.
“I always try to address the potential for jealousy right away,” Kida says. “I always prepare for the possibility of flareups in couples who are more jealous than they expected. When I ask them about orgy prep early on, I describe it in very real terms.”
Kida presents a template that she uses when she talks to guys: “John, ignore everything you know about porn. Are you okay with your girlfriend, Jane, hooking up with Anna and Luisa? Yes? Okay, stick with that visual. Now imagine her, after finishing up with Anna and Luisa, hooking up right after with Diego and Robbie. Are you okay with visualizing your girlfriend getting fucked by two other guys?”
The reason for the abrupt pivot is because Kida needs to see if the guy can take it. “When you invite a man to imagine his female partner with another woman, especially if they’ve imagined threesomes, they get really into it. Then when they’re in that mode, swinging it around makes the picture of another man very real. That’s when you see the change in expression, how badly it’ll affect them. If this early on, you see them flinch or get upset, they shouldn’t be in an orgy.”
That same template applies for women too, Kida says; just switch the hypothetical names around. “Now, Jane, after imagining John indulging in your yaoi fantasy with Diego and Robbie, picture him fucking Anna and Luisa. Do you feel like gouging their eyes out?”
That’s not to say that jealous reactions mean complete shutdown: instead, you can find alternatives, like threesomes or foursomes, that may be more within your friends’ comfort levels.
“An orgy, in this sense, is not easy,” Kida admits. “It’s not all fun and games. Even with polyamorous people, for example, many choose to not really see their partner with someone else. And these are already very open people. To have them literally inches away from someone fucking their partner, it’s a lot to deal with. It’s a lot of lizard brain you have to fight with.”
Just as the thrill of sex is multiplied by group sex done right, the internal demons people wrestle with can also be multiplied by an orgy—and that’s something you should always be prepared for.
“If you even think someone is kind of immature, don’t invite them,” Kida insists. “If you think they’re even possibly violently jealous, don’t invite them. If you think someone’s self-esteem can’t take it, don’t invite them. A lot of people, especially straight people, haven’t seen other adults of the same gender naked in person. Plus, there’s the fact that your partner is being turned on by these other people. And that can trigger a lot of profound insecurities.”
Worth it, if you can handle it
“You can’t hype it up,” Kida reiterates. “Oh, sure, I will sing its praises. I think group sex is great. I think it’s a hell of a lot of fun. I think it’s worth it, for as long as everyone is consensual. With informed consent, everyone’s clean, and no one’s malicious, orgies are so great. I take a lot of joy in sharing my partner, which is something you can only really have in group sex.”
But, just like polyamory, it’s not for everyone. “People tend to approach polyamory with the same bright-eyed gusto,” Kida says, “and we need to say, hold up a minute. Let’s clear up a few things first.”
There is one other nice thing that Kida points out about group sex, though, if you manage to have it on the regular.
“It’s cheaper than buying boardgames.”
*Name changed at her request.
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